Thoughts

I’ve been feeling pretty good recently. Almost as if now that we’ve had Sam’s service I have closure, I can move forward.

In many, many ways we’ve been in mourning, of a sort, since the boys birth. At time time, we were told to say goodbye to Sam in the delivery room. Every time he got sick or had a setback, we had to prepare for the worst. I’m a realist by nature, so as much as I hope and want the best, part of me always remembers, well, the reality. When we learned about his PVS diagnosis, we started to seriously plan for the future; we planned our road trip, told our employers that there was a possibility we might need to take time off. We didn’t want that to come true of course, but things happen. I loved that little boy dearly. I still do. I always will. But now it’s like I have permission to move on, to continue living life, to make plans moving forward. I’m not perfect. Hell, I’m still bitter about a lot of things, still angry, still question some decisions. It will just take time for the bitterness to fade, to accept.

Sam’s garden is beautiful. His ashes are now buried with the tree; he’ll nourish the garden and live on. Sebastien’s room is the only room in the house that has a clear view of the garden. It wasn’t planned that way, but it’s how it should be. Every weekend I take Sebastien up to visit the tree, to tell him about his brother.

You should see the other kid

Pretty much the only physical attribute Sebastien has from his NICU time is plagiocephaly, or a flat head. From the front, you’d never know, but from the right side, top, and back, you can see that his head is quite flat. We took him in for a helmet consult, and sure enough, he needs one. I’ll post the pictures they took at his first appointment next weekend.

Last week we had the appointment to measure his head. They put a stocking over his head to flatted it down so that their machines can really see the shape. I was a bit taken back at first, but Sebastien didn’t seem to mind one bit. He kept sticking out his tongue and blowing bubbles.

He was then placed on a pedestal where a bunch of cameras took 360 degree pictures of his head.

From there, they created a 3D image of the head (Didn’t get a pic of this). All helmets are custom fit to the individual baby.

Today, one week later, we got his helmet. He doesn’t seem to mind one bit! Now I can’t wait to decorate it.

Motherhood

Is eating your dinner on the floor of the bathroom while the baby takes a bath. All because dinner coincided with bedtime and he wouldn’t wait any longer. I wanted a hot dinner….so I ate it while the kid took a bath.

What we’ve been up to

Sebastien’s been keeping us busy the last few months.

Immediately following Sam’s passing, we had to get out of town, get away from our home for a bit, get some time away from the raw memories surrounding us. The trip was good, a mental break, a bit of time to heal, to remember to live again. We were able to visit family and friends and just be for a bit.

Once we returned we started planning Sam’s service. Sebastien started solids (so far he’s had cereals, veggies (peas, sweet potatoes, squash, carrots), fruits (apples, bananas, pears, prunes), advocado, and we’ve given him tastes of our food (sour cream, ranch dressing, black bean sauce, etc. He LOVES food. In fact, in the last couple of days I’ve struggled with giving him bottles….he just doesn’t want them until he’s starving. I think he’s trying to hold out for the real food.

Sebastien found his feet. We’ve been going to the Lost River outdoor movie nights. He’s been working on sitting up.

We started prepping the land for Sam’s garden (digging, clearing, etc). Bringing the tree home was beyond stressful, as the tree is easily 15-16′ tall, not including the root ball. Our truck bed is about 6’….so yeah, every bump in the road send that tree flying. But we all arrived safely, and the tree was placed in its new home.

The day after the service, we burned some sage at the base (given to us by some dear friends).

Sebastien had his first portraits done, the classic JCPenney pictures. And they were beyond cute! I had always wanted to wait and have pictures taken of the boys together, so it was time to have them done with Sebastien. After a very grumpy day, he pulled it together and we captured some cute expressions!

Speaking of grumpy, he’s definitely teething. I can feel the teeth right under his gums, he’s constantly biting on his hands and drooling like crazy, but so far, no teeth. The good days come and go.

We went to the park for the first time to ride on the baby swing. Sebastien liked it, but we didn’t stay long since there was no shade and it was hot. We’ll be going back. He also loves his hot tub time with daddy; that boy just loves being in the water.

Enjoy the pictures below, all from our trip through this weekend. I’ll be working to upload many videos next.