a list of things, in no particular order, a bit of a ramble of what’s on my mind.
- I’m sad, that’s obvious.
- When I first started this blog, I promised to keep it up, no matter the outcome. That’s not going to change now. We may have lost Samuel, but we still have Sebastien, a thriving, healthy preemie who’s now a solid 11.5 pounds. I’ll be posting about his adventures, but also still my dealing and recovering from the loss of my son. After all, right now they go hand in hand.
- We’re going to take some time off, travel a bit, take time to recovery, heal, move on. The next few weeks may have sporadic updates. This has been a long journey, a painful one, we need time away.
- We’re not immediately holding a funeral for Sam. Instead, we’re waiting until we’re ready, and we’re going to have a dedication service/memorial at our house in the mountains. Our plan is to plant a tree in his honor, a large evergreen that will continue living and growing. We’ll also have a nice granite plaque created and placed at the foot of the tree. Sam may not physically be here anymore, but his spirit will always live on. We want to celebrate his life, however short it may have been, celebrate the joy, the hope he brought so many people. Though he wasn’t here long, his impact on us and other people has been profound. I’ll post information about the service later.
- We’ve gotten requests for information about flowers, what people can send us. Right now, nothing. Flowers will be better served for his dedication. We’re also contemplating creating a fund for people to donate for the tree, the plaque in his honor. We’ll figure this out as well.
- What keeps me going right now? Sebastien. He needs us to be strong, to be the best parents possible for him. I look at him lying right next to me, and I can’t help but smile. Every once in a while though I see a flash of Sam. They have the same mannerisms, the same expressions. But Sebastien will keep me going. I wish I knew if he remembers his brother, if he already feels the loss. The night Sam passed, a few hours before we were called to the hospital, Sebastien was sleeping and he awoke abruptly with a cry that wasn’t normal, one we’ve never heard before. He looked scared, I couldn’t calm him. Did he know? We’ll never know of course, but I’d like to think that he knew something was wrong, that Sam was reaching out to him.
- I’m grateful for the nurses and doctors at the hospital. I hope to remain in contact with several — they’ve meant so much to me. I’m grateful for the doctor on duty that evening. He’ll always have a special place in my heart: he was the first one to give Sam a chance on CPAP, to allow Sam the opportunity to show us what he could do. I have certain, special memories of all the doctors, of all the nurses. I thank you all for taking such wonderful care of my son.
- I’m trying to remember all the positive, the good things, the good experiences with Sam. We had a lot. Yes we had some bad times, but we also had a lot of good visits, laughs. Times I floated out of the NICU on such a high. The little boy had so much personality. That’s what I’m holding onto.
- Samuel may not have survived this, but he will have left a lasting impact. Hopefully, especially, the medical community, both for prenatal care and postnatal, as well. He was never supposed to make it to birth. Once he did, he was never supposed to live for long. He did both. He had five months, five months longer than anyone ever thought possible. I hope the doctors learn something from him, further their skills even more, and are better able to help babies like him in the future.
- So what happened? The abdominal surgery was a success, but his recovery was rough. Sam’s cardiopulmonary function worsened. His heart was working like crazy trying to pump enough oxygen to his lungs and organs. And it just couldn’t do it anymore; his heart gave out. He was also in so much pain, I’m sure that didn’t help matters, didn’t help his will to live. It’s hard to think of him giving up after having some so far, but it’s not his fault, he did everything he could and more.
- Sam, my little Scrappy, my Sam Sam fighting man, Sam Superman, I love you forever.