The state of things

a list of things, in no particular order, a bit of a ramble of what’s on my mind.

  1. I’m sad, that’s obvious.
  2. When I first started this blog, I promised to keep it up, no matter the outcome. That’s not going to change now. We may have lost Samuel, but we still have Sebastien, a thriving, healthy preemie who’s now a solid 11.5 pounds. I’ll be posting about his adventures, but also still my dealing and recovering from the loss of my son. After all, right now they go hand in hand.
  3. We’re going to take some time off, travel a bit, take time to recovery, heal, move on. The next few weeks may have sporadic updates. This has been a long journey, a painful one, we need time away.
  4. We’re not immediately holding a funeral for Sam. Instead, we’re waiting until we’re ready, and we’re going to have a dedication service/memorial at our house in the mountains. Our plan is to plant a tree in his honor, a large evergreen that will continue living and growing. We’ll also have a nice granite plaque created and placed at the foot of the tree. Sam may not physically be here anymore, but his spirit will always live on. We want to celebrate his life, however short it may have been, celebrate the joy, the hope he brought so many people. Though he wasn’t here long, his impact on us and other people has been profound.  I’ll post information about the service later.
  5. We’ve gotten requests for information about flowers, what people can send us. Right now, nothing. Flowers will be better served for his dedication. We’re also contemplating creating a fund for people to donate for the tree, the plaque in his honor. We’ll figure this out as well.
  6. What keeps me going right now? Sebastien. He needs us to be strong, to be the best parents possible for him. I look at him lying right next to me, and I can’t help but smile. Every once in a while though I see a flash of Sam. They have the same mannerisms, the same expressions. But Sebastien will keep me going. I wish I knew if he remembers his brother, if he already feels the loss. The night Sam passed, a few hours before we were called to the hospital, Sebastien was sleeping and he awoke abruptly with a cry that wasn’t normal, one we’ve never heard before. He looked scared, I couldn’t calm him. Did he know? We’ll never know of course, but I’d like to think that he knew something was wrong, that Sam was reaching out to him.
  7. I’m grateful for the nurses and doctors at the hospital. I hope to remain in contact with several — they’ve meant so much to me. I’m grateful for the doctor on duty that evening. He’ll always have a special place in my heart: he was the first one to give Sam a chance on CPAP, to allow Sam the opportunity to show us what he could do. I have certain, special memories of all the doctors, of all the nurses. I thank you all for taking such wonderful care of my son.
  8. I’m trying to remember all the positive, the good things, the good experiences with Sam. We had a lot. Yes we had some bad times, but we also had a lot of good visits, laughs. Times I floated out of the NICU on such a high. The little boy had so much personality. That’s what I’m holding onto.
  9. Samuel may not have survived this, but he will have left a lasting impact. Hopefully, especially, the medical community, both for prenatal care and postnatal, as well. He was never supposed to make it to birth. Once he did, he was never supposed to live for long. He did both. He had five months, five months longer than anyone ever thought possible. I hope the doctors learn something from him, further their skills even more, and are better able to help babies like him in the future.
  10. So what happened? The abdominal surgery was a success, but his recovery was rough. Sam’s cardiopulmonary function worsened. His heart was working like crazy trying to pump enough oxygen to his lungs and organs. And it just couldn’t do it anymore; his heart gave out. He was also in so much pain, I’m sure that didn’t help matters, didn’t help his will to live. It’s hard to think of him giving up after having some so far, but it’s not his fault, he did everything he could and more.
  11. Sam, my little Scrappy, my Sam Sam fighting man, Sam Superman, I love you forever.

15 thoughts on “The state of things

  1. Lauren says:

    Sandi, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I cried when I read your post — your strength and courage are absolutely amazing. I was thinking earlier how whenever I hear the name Sam or Samuel, I will remember your amazing son who was such a fighter and inspiration. I hope that you, Scott, and Sebastien will find comfort in each other and your travels to help you heal.

  2. Leslie says:

    He’ll always be Sam Superman to me…and I’ll never forget him. He was so very strong, and I see where he got that from!

  3. Mom says:

    What a precious boy Samuel is. He looked like an angel to me. I will never forget him. I am so thankful that I got to touch him the two times I went up there to see him. I can see Samuel with Jesus now. HE is holding him. I pray that GOD will give you and Scott HIS mercy and grace.

  4. Laura says:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. There are no words that I can say that can even come close to easing the pain you are feeling. Please know that you and your family are loved by many. May God wrap his arms around you and guide you through this difficult time. Thanks a bunch for the updates.

  5. Michelle says:

    Sam was such a fighter… and that apple didn’t fall far from the tree! You are so strong and graceful. Thank you for sharing Sam and Sebastien with all of us.

  6. Rebecca from FF says:

    Have been praying so hard for you and your family, for Sebastien and for sweet Sam… Hoping that you find some peace and healing.

  7. kaytee shelburn says:

    prayers for you and your family. Thank you for allowing us into your very personal lives and getting to know Sam the Superman and for getting see Sebastion grow up happy and healthy.

  8. Sandi, I am sorry that your family has had to go through such tragedy. Know that Sam lives on in each of you and that Sebastian will make you proud. I wish I could give you a hug. If you come to Las Vegas, look your cousin up.

  9. I’ve been thinking about you all since I read of Sam’s passing the other day. I love the idea of the tree to honor and remember your strong fighter – I’m sure it will be beautiful. Thank you for letting us be part of your journey and please know that Sam will not be forgotten. I’m glad you are able to get some time away with your family and I hope it gives you a safe place to grieve and begin to heal.

  10. DK says:

    My husband and I have been thinking about you all the past several days. Thanks for the update. Planting a tree is such a beautiful idea as a way to honor and remember Samuel. I’m glad you will continue posting, but taking whatever time you need is so important for dealing with your loss, so know what we will be here when you’re ready to continue writing.

  11. jamie says:

    I heard about the passing of little Sam on FF and was just now able to log onto your blog. My heart breaks for you and your family. The struggle, the ups and downs, the what if’s and what could have been’s are so hard to go through. You have a very strong will and I have no doubt that you will find the light on your path in life. Rest in peace sweet Sam. 😦

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